cultivating mass

Rob McElhenney who portrays Mac on the television show It's Always Sunny cultivated a shit ton of mass for a season directive on the show; like a shit ton. He eventually harvested said mass and became incredibly ripped. He stated in an interview that the trick to losing all that weight was to “just stop eating so fucking much”, and you know what? I think there's something to that.

I mean, I've been a pretty heavy set individual for most of my life. Well, I was chubby for a long time, and then after high school, it was all downhill from there. Within the last decade, I've lost weight and re-gained it several times, with the main issue being that it's just hard to stay disciplined to keep it off. The additional issue with regaining what you've lost is that you normally regain all of it, and more. Essentially, I'd just end up heavier and heavier each time.

Fast forward to the fall of 2017 and I get diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. That really fucked me up mentally, because I felt like such a failure that I couldn't keep up a weight loss regime and keep the weight off. After the diagnosis, I went pretty hardcore on weight loss and dropped a significant amount, but in true 'smair fashion', I fucked it up and couldn't keep consistent and disciplined.

I've been going up and down since then, but I recently came to a realisation that is making me want to really give it a shot.

It's 2020. This year I will be twenty seven years old. I have wasted so much of my youth and I want to reclaim some of my life back. Contrary to popular belief, people are judgemental and shallow and treat people differently depending on their physical attributes. I was treated a lot better by people in general when I was significantly thinner. People suck. They really fucking suck. This is the way of the world and there is nothing I can do about it though, so I have to play the game.

Regardless, I shouldn't be doing this for other people, I should be doing this for myself. It's something I need to come to terms with. But it's a complete fucking lie when people say “I'm losing weight for myself only”. People will forever care about the opinions of others.

I will call Tuesday, 14 January my first day to recovery. If I've done it before, I can do it again. This time, I will lose more, and I will keep it off. My main motivation is to not end 2020 alone, and I feel this will help me get there. Loneliness is my motivation, and while things can always change and I may not reach all of the goals that I want to achieve, the closer I get to completing one goal, the closer I will get to completing the others.

today's song: the juliana theory – understand the dream is over