this time next year

I entered this decade a lot better than I'm leaving it.

Physically, mentally; a lot has changed for the worse. In each passing year, life gives me more of a reason to not be living it. I've had countless health issues over the last decade, too many to list honestly. Several situations where I told myself “could this get any worse?” and then it did. Truly a statistical improbability, yet life really knows how to fuck you when you're already down.


PSA: this is a rant-y post, so if you don't wanna listen to me whine, I'd advise not reading this.

Let's review some quick cliff notes:

At the start of the decade I was still in high school. I was still finding myself as a teenager, becoming more social and a little more extroverted. In turn, I slacked off, fucked up my grades and ruined my chances at university. I left high school and went to community college instead, but then I dropped out without bothering to finish and get my grade because I'm a fuckin' idiot.

Then I went and got an apprenticeship in computing. It allowed me to move out (which made this the best year of my life) but I bailed out a few months early because one day I woke up and I was sad. For some reason, I was crying every morning, and I couldn't figure out why.

(the beginning of my depression at this point)

Due to my newfound depression, I moved back in with my parents. I took almost two years out because I didn't know how to live my life anymore. Depression and its dickhead friend anxiety took me over, and I was completely fucked up inside. This is when I started drinking more and became even more of a recluse. My brother then convinced me to get a job because getting out of the house might help me, even a little bit – and it did. I took a short-term contract to work customer service at Amazon and I'm glad I worked there for that period. After the contract ended, I took almost another year out but I ended up working there again for a couple of months. But due to organisational changes, it kinda sucked and I wasn't feeling it as much. During my contract, I ended up getting sick and was in hospital for a bit, which caused me to spiral mentally and I couldn't handle managing both work and my mental health so I ended up quitting the contract early. Thus, unemployment faces me again.

This is when even more stress hit, because my brother and his new wife decided to move out; which is unnatural in a Muslim household – tension between family caused this to happen. It was just me and my parents left here now. My mother was unemployed and it was left to my father and his weak as fuck income to keep us going. It wasn't working out, so I forced myself to get a job.

Enter: Sainsbury's.

There isn't much to say here. It's a dead-end shitty retail job. The work is monotonous. I make painful small talk with people that don't give a shit about me everyday. I hate being there. It's painful to the fucking core. But it pays the bills. I will be here until I somehow find the will inside to find something new and push myself harder. It has been over three years, and I don't want to pass the four year mark.

Let's summarise this.

I got unhealthier. I got fatter, less attractive, more socially awkward, unable to keep conversations going with people, unable to act like a normal fucking human being. I became someone that people do not want to seek out a friendship with. I am someone who is undesirable to women. I am someone who brings down the mood with my ever so depressing presence.

I am nothing in every sense of the word. I don't know where I'll be this time next year, but I really hope I pull myself the fuck together because I can't spend another decade like this. but I'm hoping the fear of suicide suspends itself long enough for me to off myself if things don't stop going downhill. because Jesus Christ, it's been eight fucking years of constant sadness and I could really do with at least a shred of happiness right now.

That's all I've gotta say for now.

I wish you all a happy new year.


Also for fun, in every upcoming post, I will be putting the song I'm currently listening to while writing the post (and a link to it) at the bottom of the page.

today's song: free throw – good job champ

#journalentry